I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My cat gives me a boner
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
