remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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