i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
