I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
