I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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