I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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