threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
