I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
