I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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