just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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