my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it was like eating out sand paper
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
