I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
