I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize