I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
