I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize