im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
