My first STD was from a foam party
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
