i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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