I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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