You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I need moral support for this bender
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
