Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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