My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
