Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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