I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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