i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
They have beer where we have blood.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
