Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
we're so committed to being not committed
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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