You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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