Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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