I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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