i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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