ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
