Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
