we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
