yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
