i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
