First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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