upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize