Apparently you make a good broom.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
