Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
