The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
