Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
