I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
