Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
How naked do you want me to be?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
