Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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