I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
