Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
