Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
