Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
