Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
