it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
