I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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