genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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