I faked an abortion last night.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
