I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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