I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
