Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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