He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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