That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
