just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
