Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize