he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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