last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
