How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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