She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
