I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
