I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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