Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
