My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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