i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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