I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
