Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
