Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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